So. I've had to do a lot of thinking about my life and my future and my family and stuff lately. And so I like have been getting like anxiety like crazy.
When I say, "I'm worried about the future," I specifically mean THE YEAR 2015.
Aside: I'm being completely honest in this blog post. So yeah. This is the truth, man.
I shall start at a natural exposition--a self-description, if you like. I'm a PERFECT example of an introvert. That means, (1.) it takes a TON of thinking and time for me to build the courage to say what I want to say, and the thoughts of what I want to say tend to float in my head for a whole conversation and, thus, I respond very little, as I'm totally focused on this one idea. If I gain the power to say it, it's the truth; what I really feel. (2.) Being around people, no matter how much I like you, drains my energy. (3.) I NEED alone time. However, I will naturally crave that alone time and get too much. SO, I need to be around people and do stuff. I really like some people, so I wanna be around them. I just wish I wasn't the one always begging people to come see me. No one ever asks for me to go see them. That causes me negative thoughts. So if you honestly like me, I probably honestly like you back. I'm very accepting and like all sorts of people. I just want people to be around that want to be around me, you know? I digress, That was long. So I'm introverted, I guess. Another thing about myself: I don't have very much self confidence, no matter how superior I think I am. I think that nobody understands me. I'm un-understandable. I think the one person that understands me and that I feel comfortable telling anything to is my dad. And sometimes my girlfriend.
That's not MY art, but it's got the basic idea. Heh.
That's not really related to what I'm talking about.
Here's the dealio:
Mom and Steve. I know you love me and I respect you guys and I love you too. REMEMBER I'M BEING HONEST. I don't really resent pretty much anything about you guys because of all you've done for me and just tried to make me happy, and even though I seem like the most miserable soul, I like parts of my life and I don't want to just run away and start over. Plus all my stuff is here. I know you guys care about me and I respect that about you. I'm sorry I say mean things about you to my friends and my dad. I don't really mean to say you're, like, jerks and controlling my life because I know you're not controlling my life at all. Some things I don't love doing, like I'm not going on a mission because I'd suck at it and I just don't wanna teach stuff that I'm not 100% into. However, on religion, there's stuff in the LDS prophets (which I think is the stuff that matters) and the bible/bom that i think is really important for us to be good people. I'm not sure I believe in the priesthood it seems a little wumbojumbo to me. BUT. I believe in being a good person, like treating everyone like they matter (to God, if he exists), or serving people because you care about what happens to them, not because I want to get to the Celestial kingdom, but because I want their freaking life to not suck. Oh no, you're probably all shocked about my religious views. I think you should be judged, if that's how it'll go, on how you treat the people you despise the most, or the person that seems to matter the least. That's what Jesus taught, I think. So yeah, I like "the church". But I don't like a lot of the people who treat me like I'm an unworthy soul that's going to hell because I drink coffee or swear sometimes or have long hair or because I'm not good at conversing about gossip with all the other kids my age at church or whatever they think about me. Maybe it's because I have a *gasp* girlfriend! Oh no. Let's talk about that.
I don't care if Kylee and I can't feel "true love". We're two pretty lonely people that need a good friend and we really need each other. The things I've helped Kylee with have possibly saved her life (and I'm not with her 'cause I'm worried about that), and she's helped me become more comfortable with myself and make friends and ALL this stuff, like stop me from wanting to hurt myself and stuff. And, parents, she's another reason for me to stay in Utah for a while, if that makes you happier. I love Kylee, so suck it. If you don't believe in us, you can not be invited to our possible wedding. Unless it doesn't work out. BUT we're bouth going to be okay if that happens because we're mature, independent young people. Even though I like her a lot. Who knows what'll happen after 2014?
More about after 2014?
Here, let me lay out what I've got:
1. Graduate from freaking High School.
2. Go visit my dad and family in Canada for 2-3 weeks.
3. Enjoy the rest of the summer, hopefully get a job.
4. Finish PitchNic and premier the films.
ASIDE: I don't want to do that. I've changed my mind. I know it would be good for my confidence, but it's just too much for me to handle in my life and stuff and I don't even know if I'll ever be a good actor and oh well. I don't think I'm as excited as I think I was about it.
That's all I've got so far.
Do I go to college?
Do I start a recording apprenticeship with no college?
Do I start a band?
Do I move away to live with my dad?
I don't know yet. Let me take care of step one first, okay?
ANOTHER THING. IF you want to get to know my deeper emotions better, I HAVE RECORDED OVER 160 SONGS A BOUT MY PERSONAL FEELINGS. GO LISTEN TO THEM. JEEZE.
There's a link to all of it. Check it out and you'll know me SO much better. My lyrics are literally just about what I'm thinking about at the time. Or robots who love each other that are going to die in a spaceship crash. But whatever. So EVERYBODY that feels like I'm not all being honest with them should check out my latest music. It's very revealing. Heh.
One last thing, I suppose, that I wish to cover.
I'm a moral person. A person of morals, I am.
I would never do drugs, no matter how intriguing they seem. I would never do them. They'd ruin my life. I've got like depression and signs of other stuff and bad mental health in the family bloodline so I'd just like to not ruin my life with a silly drug experience.
I try to treat all people nicely, especially at school. So don't make fun of people around me. It makes me uncomfortable no matter of how big a jerk I seem. I like to treat people nicely, because I'm pretty sure everyone has a good side and they'll show it and it'll make the whole world better if everyone's showin' their good side.
Stuff for my Dad.
I respect you. I love you. You're one of the only if not the ONLY people/person that gets me and I need you in my life and I know you would respect any life decision I make. Like if I said, please don't ever offer me a drug experience or alcohol or even put me in an environment where there are drugs, if you would please respect that and respect me therefore. I miss you a lot and again I feel like we just connect in a way that I don't bond with anyone on the planet and I miss that all the time and my parents don't get that I need that bond . . . And when I'll say, can I go to Canada with you for two and a half weeks, would you please not try to convince me to stay longer, because I KNOW I want to stay for a LONG time. BUT. I need to get back to the stuff I've committed to here in Utah, okie? Who knows what'll happen in 2015, though, okay? Maybe I want to go to college in Utah for four years or something or two years and move up to the Canadas to finish my education. Or maybe up to Oregon or Washington and we can be close and see each other more often. But I think you're making a good effort right now, and I know you've dealt with problems on your own and that's why you haven't always been there but that's okay 'cause I love you and I just want you in my life, so whatever.
Stuff for my Mom.
ALL you do is protect me and that's great and I love you and you love me and you're my mom and do you seriously think I'm going to go off the deep end and hate you and be a terrible person when I need you and after all you've done for me? That is all.
Stuff for Steve.
Again, I respect you so much for taking care of our family how you have been. I know I've been a jerk and sometimes you think you're pointless, but I'm just an angsty teenager that doesn't have enough communication skills in his life so I say rude things and I'm kind of two-faced a little. The TRUTH (remember we're being honest) is, even though I'm pretty sure you'd probably think my music sucks and that I'm like the opposite of the person you want me to be, I want to be able to care about people enough in my life like you do and I want YOU to know that I want to grow up to be the kind of person that, maybe you respect for the way I live my life and care about people. Because if I can get you to respect me I know that would be a good person to respect me, cause I respect you. Yeah.
Stuff for my friends.
I love you guys. Even the people I only talk to like once a week. Even people I talk to only over the internet sometimes. People I just wave to in the halls. That takes a lot of effort from me. That's like the equivalent of someone growing the courage to strip naked and run around screaming, "HELICOPTERS ARE ALIENS! HELICOPTERS ARE ALIENS!" in front of a respectable bunch of people. So I like you guys. Mercedes, even though sometimes I think I bother you, you're so nice to just talk to and you always encourage me to keep being unique. Rachel! You're like the only person who ever asks ME if I want to hang out. Fe. You've gotta be the coolest person ever. Even though you listen to top fourty now. I like the way you like me even though I'm not gay and I'm totes weird. Debbie. You're just a rad chick. Thanks for letting me be all, "hey" to you. I feel like I'm so cool that I get to say hi to you. Savannah, you're too nice. Megan Vest. Even though I'm pretty sure you're avoiding me with all your busy-ness, I love your guts. Christian you're weird. Drew Danburry. I like to pretend we're BFFs4LYF. 'Cause you're cool. I've never talked to Tatim Davis, but she likes Bravest Warriors too and my music so that's rad. Jake, that guy that met Dave Grohl that I talk to in PE is chill. Elizabeth Shelton that should go back into my AP English class. Talia Ruth is nice to me and I don't think its' because she pities me. Taesha is a crazy person. Lilly from Oregon on the internet. I want to hang out with you because you're sooo cool. And have my favourite name. Thierry from Quebec is cool and he likes my music. Enough with the thanks for being rad list.
I need to use the washroom so I'm going to be done. I hope that was enough honesty for y'all. Thanks for caring and reading all of this.